Bitter

Every so often, I recognize I have a place in my soul that isn’t as I’d like or as it should be. It is bitter. It holds a memory, an event, a sentence, that takes me down an ugly road where I rehash something and replay it. I think about what I should have said or done, and I plan what I’ll do next time! My sister and I refer to this as “sitting at the table”, which means literally that: sitting at the kitchen table, with face animated, eyebrows going up and down, head nodding, as the conversation plays out differently in your head.

Oh you can do it just about anywhere: driving in your car, at work, when you’re supposed to be sleeping.

The problem I’ve found with this is it can infect my entire day. It also can infect my attitude and view about someone. Rarely do they even know because it’s just so much easier to hold on to something and call it Your Precious. But like a cancer tumor, bitter spots spread their tentacles into the rest of my life consuming even the good of any given day. They can get all wound up in and twisted throughout until it becomes almost impossible to untangle them from my life and get rid of them.

Practicing self-care in this kind of space has been critical for me. When I start “sitting at the table” harboring a bitter spot, I literally have to tell myself to just stop. Sometimes I even have to repeat that several times. Turns out I’m not always a good listener.

And bitter spots come back. They lurk around, usually in the bottom of a closet or the kitchen junk drawer until you’re not looking. Then bam! They’re at it again.

We are cautioned in Scripture to not let bitterness take root and defile us, as it gives the devil a foothold in our lives. I would certainly do that in a heartbeat if the Holy Spirit didn’t smack me and tell me to just stop. I’m at my most brilliant when I’m sitting at the table.

Just Stop.