Words matter. So does tone of voice. In a world laden with sound bites, hyperbole, rhetoric, vitriol, and opportunistic pandering, what we say and how we say it matters a lot, especially in relationships.
We create or assume identity for ourselves. “I am…” – that blank can be filled in so many ways: career, character, mistakes, achievements. None of which are anything more than descriptive. My husband and I have a joke between us, well, really a running gag. I’ll make a remark, and he’ll counter with, “Are you saying I’m a …”. The response is, “No, I’m saying you are a man who …”.
Extreme example which is not an actual example: “Are you saying I’m a jerk?”. “No, I’m saying you are a man who is behaving like a jerk.” Or an actual real life example, “Are you saying I’m a stayer-upper?”. “No, I’m saying you are a man who is staying up too late for me.”
We also assign identity especially through prejudice and through partisanship. Both are easy shortcuts to actually thinking, researching, and quite frankly extending any sort of grace.
The deliberateness of identifying behavior rather than assigning identity is important on the path to toning down our outrage and self-righteousness, to be able to have any sort of rational conversation. A rational conversation is not a debate which must have a declared and evident winner. Yet so often, we resort to assigning identity and insisting on its validity, and we destroy valuable relationships by insisting on agreement with our position. Agree to disagree is rarely an option any more. It is only if I agree with you entirely that I have enough value to be treated well, to not be “cancelled”. If I have questions about your viewpoint or opinion, even then I may be cancelled.
It is extremely hard but important to remember that words matter. We can use them as salve or as sword.
The names that God calls you are the only ones you should be answering to. – Priscilla Shirer
A fool’s mouth lashes out with pride, but the lips of the wise protect them. -Proverbs 14:3
Just Sayin' 