Seeping grayness. This time of year just feels that way.
Early morning is dark outside, illumination provided by the Christmas light-scicles adorning the front of our house and the lamp behind the comfy chair where I’m nourishing myself reading. In the summer, the change from night to dawn to morning is often startlingly bright and bursting. But not now. The change event is subtle as if dragging itself out of bed, not unlike a late-night teen called to class or church. The moods are also similar I might add.
And the grayness permeates – the sky, moods, my soul. I hear a variety of explanations most centering around the lack of light and the length of night. And I grudgingly admit they have some element of science and truth in them. But the lukewarm nature of grayness is hard to explain – especially grayness of the soul.
Even harder is identifying what drives back the grayness – what lights up my life (with apologies to Joe Brooks, Debbie Boone and the 70’s). That’s essential to prevent succumbing to the “dark night of the soul”.
Spoiler disclaimer here. You’re going to get a review of my gray-dispelling forces. If you wish to remain gray, read no further – because let’s be honest, sometimes gray is where I intend to stay. It just takes too much energy to catch the light and drive back the gray.
My grandchildren. Yeah, every grandparent says that and no one believes them. Really. UNTIL they have their own grandchildren. Then they get it. Grandchildren are a free pass. One of the “Get Out of Jail Free” cards in life. To have the wisdom and patience of the old to enjoy the wonder and energy of the young is a gift. Understanding that in spite of your best efforts, your children grew up reasonably well, and so will their children. That if it doesn’t involve the police, an ICU unit or an undertaker, it is not a crisis. Those are the gifts that allow grandchildren to be a gray-dispelling force. Plus they are just so darn wonderful. Sorry. Nana moment there.
My husband. I’ve not done well in the partner choosing category over the years. And even worse, I’ve not been a good partner over the years. Until now. I’m a slow learner but I’m finally getting it right. There is something about being able to be authentic and honest, to love and fight often at the same time, to show respect and receive love that is critical. Oh and admitting you are wrong. Seeking forgiveness. Sigh. I still struggle with those. But the joy I feel in reflecting on what has been and looking forward to what will be is immense. And a gray-dispelling force.
Worship, especially music. I am unabashedly Christian. I know that’s not often popular. That’s ok. This is my list. You can put something else on your list if you’d like. Music speaks to a part of my soul that soars when I sing in the Body of Christ as part of the Church. Or the shower.
Blessed be Your Name in land that is plentiful
Blessed be Your Name.
And blessed be Your Name when I’m found in the desert place
Blessed be Your Name.
(thanks to Matt Redman)
I am incredibly blessed. And when – WHEN – I remember that, it is a gray-dispelling force also.
Good food. Not food-like substances as Michael Pollan defines much of what passes for food today. But real food – things that come from the garden and the ranch. Things whose ingredients I can not only identify but can spell. And included in that is good wine. Ah…poof! Gray dispelled. There’s also something about preparing food that is gray-dispelling and which contributes to the whole food experience (pun intended).
There are at least several others I can think of but the final spot on my gray-dispelling list today is my children. They are some of my dearest friends (you can tell they are mostly grown right?) and greatest challenges. Challenges not because of what they do or don’t do but because they indirectly call me to change and move forward with my life in ways that I would prefer to ignore. My youngest – who is still a teen – challenges me to keep up and to be braver than I think I can be. Who else could get me to rappell out of a tree in a Costa Rican jungle? My middle child often challenges me to think about social justice and mentoring in uncomfortable ways. My oldest challenges me to keep relationships dynamic and growing and respectful through life changes. And I delight in them and agonize over them and love them.
Occasionally I do some gray-wallowing. Just hang out in being neither hot or cold. I don’t WANT to dispel the gray. Some days require ALL of the items in my gray-dispelling arsenal. But it’s worth using them. And some days there is no gray. Blessed be Your Name.
Just Sayin' 